[kristin's stuff, about leaving the details to me, misplaced not snipped]
OK. After several bouts of extreme forgetfulness, here's my completely factual, 100% true, honest to goodness account of what happened in Champaign, Il.
<ahem>
*** WARNING, INSIDE JOKES CONTAINED BELOW ***
I checked my makeup in the dim reflection of the right-rear passenger window. I had done an exceptional job, considering the conditions, but the Anarchist symbol on my left cheek was fudged to the extent that it looked more like somebody had attempted to play Tic-Tac-Toe in a very tight area. "All the better," I thought, "It'll do nicely." It was Monday, November 14, about 9:30 pm. It was dark. The night was still young for Nightshift ... whom I was impersonating at that moment because Nightshift was _still_ running from the law.
You see, a couple weeks previous, Nightshift, who was wandering around in a Chicago hotel at the time, accidentally came upon two very obvious vampires (big fangs and everything, nyang nyang nyang [makes fang gesture with mouth and fingers]), each carrying around a newborn baby for their nights feeding. Although vampiric himself (actually he just _thinks_ he's a vampire) this situation was just way too much for Nightshift. He immediately had one of those _Kung Fu_ type flashbacks of him and his instructor... <TV screen starts wobbling for flashback mode>
setting: a chamber, of a spooky Eastern European castle, with lots of martial arts symbols and equipment lining the walls. Instructor: My son, what tenant of our art have you learned today? a young Nightshift: <kneeling respectably in front of instructor> "A true and virtuous vampire warrior shall never partake of the blood of the sick, the weak, the young, or the innocent." Instructor: Very good my son. <whacks Nightshift on the head with a stick><TV screen wobbles out of flashback mode>
So, without wasting a single second of precious time, Nightshift flew into action and, very deftly and skillfully, used nearly every weapon he had to lay utter waste to the two vampires, leaving generous amounts of vampire bits splattered on himself and the nearby walls, but without so much as harming a hair on the heads of the babies. Nightshift was then picking up the babies and gently cradling the babies in his arms when a couple of policemen happened to stumble onto the scene. Understandably, yet incorrectly, Nightshift's natural appearance (as described in my checklist), along with the copious amounts of flesh and blood lying around, may have led the officers to draw hasty conclusions as well as their gun. (for full details please see Nightshift, issue #4) So that's why I was dressed the way I was. ... anyways
I was in the back seat of a rented Toyota Corolla (a DAMN fine car I might add, but no where NEAR as good as a green Ford Escort with a stickshift), and Louis "Gangland" Galvez the Thirty-Forth (very long, proud family line {Actually, some of you may recognize the Galvez name. Yes, Louis _is_ related to the notorious Galvez crime family which controls Ireland, Quebec, and Mexico. But he's, like, a renegade from the family and doesn't like all the crime and killing and stuff so he, like, ran away. There's still, like, some price on his head and junk like that.}) was handling the driving duties.
Our numbers had been reduced throughout the night. John had other plans, Roy had to take care of some stuff, and Loopi was ill. We were now only two, but we had to accomplish the mission that Nightshift gave us. Louis was going to impersonate Loopi for as long as he could, and I would assume the roles of Nightshift and myself at the same time.
We found our desired address, screeched to halt and jumped out. We then disguised the Corolla as a Nissan Sentra to confuse anybody who might try to retrieve a camera. I looked at the house across the street, turned to Louis and said, "Louis, there's trouble in there. I can feel it, just like Nightshift told us."
***** WARNING. UPCOMING "But I digress" SECTION IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWS *****
Oh yeah, maybe you should know a little bit more about Louis. On the same day of our mission, he told me an interesting story from his younger days. While looking for a rental car, earlier in the day, he had pointed out a particular city block to me, saying that he had lived there at one time. That block looked like it had nothing but office building and warehouses on it, but Louis explained it all to me.
One day, years ago, Louis and his family had to, very quickly, move their stuff out of their apartment because it was scheduled to be torn down on that very day. They had _apparently_ succeeded in their endeavor of removing everything before the deadline. The family then gathered, a safe distance away, to watch the impending destruction of their beloved home.
Then, suddenly, Louis' little sister had a horrible realization. She turned around and quickly scanned the family's belongings. When she failed to find what she was looking for she desperately asked, "Where's Pookie?"
<the camera reveals a scene of a room in the recently vacated apartment. A small, tattered teddy bear, with one eye missing, is seen lying in the corner of the room. The music from _Psycho's_ shower scene plays>
Louis' Mom then said, "Oh no! Pookie must be still be inside!" The wrecking ball was starting to move into position.
"Please! You have to stop," shouted the little girl.
"Nothin' doin'," growled the foreman of the demolition crew, "this buildin's due to come down NOW!"
The little girl started crying and was about to make a desperate charge into the condemned apartment after her beloved teddy bear when Louis stopped her by clamping a strong, yet gentle, hand on her shoulder. "Wait," he said with determination as he stepped forward, "I'll get Pookie out of there."
You all can probably envision the brave and heroic things Louis did in rushing in to get the teddy bear out.
But I digress...
***** END OF "but I digress" SECTION *****
Something in the house was obviously throbbing with evil. Louis and I went to the back of the house and knocked on the door. A moment passed and Kristin Buxton finally came to the door. She saw my unusual appearance and started laughing. Which was good, she didn't say my name aloud, my cover was still intact. She opened the door for me. I quickly cautioned her, "Beware, there is great evil here, I must find it." She stepped aside, I came in, nearly tripping over The World's Cutest Kitten (tm).
Using the "humming broadsword" evil detection method that Nightshift told me about, I started searching for the foul horror that inhabited Kristin's house. It didn't take me long to find the offending source. I followed the feeling, that the broadsword was giving me, into the living room. The point of my sword wavered back and forth a little bit before it finally settled and pointed toward Kristin's beloved, and highly rated couch.
"Kristin, you're not going to like this," I said, "but your couch is possessed by demons!"
"What, she replied, "Don't be silly! Couches can't be possessed by demons."
I then reasserted myself, "You don't belive me? Take another look." I then pointed out to her the chalk board which was labelled "This Couch's Present Rating (on a scale of 10)" that she kept on the wall above the couch. A look of concern crossed her face when she saw that the "9", the couch's previous rating, had been changed to a 3.4. The look of concern quickly turned to horror when a small, translucent demon rose out of the backrest of the couch, erased the 3.4, chalked in a 2.1, and sunk back into the couch.
"THAT'S IT," I exclaimed, "we have to conduct an exorcism on this couch!" I finally noticed Joe Gross napping on the couch and demanded, "You have to get off this couch NOW! I have to cast these demons out!"
Joe protested with a few grunts and moans. "You must get out NOW," I insisted.
Joe responded by standing up on the couch, his eyes turned blood red, veins started popping out all over his body, he spoke in a deep voice that sounded like it came straight from the pits of hell, "NOOOOOOOOO!!! You shall NOT separate me from the cushy, cozy comfort of my DEMON MASTER!"
So, naturally, we had no choice. Louis, Kristin and I had to remove Joe by force. Joe fought back with insane strength due to his possession. But we did barely manage to wrestle him off the couch and into the kitchen, where Kristin's cats sat on him and held him down. The exorcism could now commence. I quickly stripped the cushions and pillows off and instructed Louis and Kristin to burn them.
With the cushions taken away I saw that this particular couch was a hide-a-bed. This was going to much tougher than I thought. I then held the blade of the sword in my teeth and started babbling rythmically, because I kind of forgot the specific chants that Nightshift told me to use. But hey, who's gonna understand me anyways? I had a sword in my mouth. I continued my chanting while I converted the couch into it's bed form. I then made up ritualistic dance, yep forgot that one too, that I used in prancing around the bed while I chanted.
After about ten minutes of my improvised ritualistic dancing and chanting I was getting really tired, plus I was drooling all over the sword that I was holding in my teeth. Then Kristin asked, with a bit of annoyance, "Ya forgot how to do the exorcism, didn't ya?"
"Yeff. Ife forgob," was my reply, sword still in mouth.
"Great, just great!," exclaimed Kristin, "You barge into my house, scare the cats, attack Joe, tear up my living room, and there's _still_ demons in my couch." The little translucent demon again rose from the couch, changed the couch's rating to a 1.4, thumbed his nose at us all, and went back into the couch.
I spat out the drool covered sword onto the hide-a-bed in disgust. "Look, I'm really sorry. I really should have taken notes when..."
Suddenly there was a horrific rumbling from the couch, "Eeeeeeew, disGUSTING!!!" The hide-a-bed suddenly started changing shape, and out of is arose a big (I'm talkin HUGE) demon made out of various fabrics, tartans, floral prints, scotchgard, and cheap plastic coverings. It rose so high that it's head hit the ceiling, leaving a big dent in it. It directed it's rumbling at me, "How could you DO something so sick? I mean, come on, just because I'm a couch demon doesn't mean that I don't maintain SOME measure of cleanliness! Be a little more care... ...Nightshift? It _is_ you. NIGHTSHIFT, MY ENEMY!"
The disguise was working, the demon thought I was Nightshift. The demon bellowed on, "YOU, NIGHTSHIFT, WHO BANISHED ME FROM WEBERGS, LEVITZ, AMERICAN FURNITURE WAREHOUSE AND THE WHOLE OF FURNITURE ROW, *YOU*, WHO HAD ME REUPHOLSTERED IN ITCHY, SCRATCHY FABRICS ON *3* OCCASIONS, *!YOU!*, WHO !DONATED! ME TO THE _SALVATION ARMY_ SHALL PAY *DEARLY* FOR YOUR ACTIONS!!!"
It seemed that this demon had had some encounters Nightshift before. The thunderous couch demon continued, "*I*, THE DEMON COACHUS POTATAMUS, SHALL NOT WAIT FOR YOUR *DEATH* TO GIVE YOU YOUR PUNISHMENT!. I, COACHUS POTATAMUS, SHALL OPEN THE GATES OF *HELL* AND _THROW YOU IN_!!! THERE, IN HELL, YOUR EYES WILL BE PLUCKED OUT WITH THE BLADE OF A HOT KNIFE! THEN THEY WILL BE SET IN FRONT OF YOU WHERE THEY WILL BE FORCED TO WATCH YOUR OWN *DISEMBOWELMENT*!!! THEN YOU WILL BE FORCED TO BLINDLY WANDER THE INFINITE, BROKEN GROUND OF HELL'S SECOND PLANE WITH YOUR INTESTINES TRAILING BEHIND YOU WHILE VULTURES PICK AT YOUR BLOODIED BODY!!! AFTER THAT..."
Right then and there I made a mental note that I really should have a long and hard talk with Nightshift about the kind of enemies he makes. I decided to put an end to this bellowing session by carrying out the final step in the exorcism, which I _did_ remember. I stepped over to the television and switched it on to the local ABC station. Coachus Potatamus, slightly confused by my action, turned his attention to the screen, there he saw that Monday Night football was on, a running back was getting dropped for a 5 yard loss on the play.
"WHAT!?!," demon screamed, "NO!!! YOU *IDIOTS*! USE THE COUNTER, THE *COUNTER*!!! THE DEFENSE IS OVER-PURSUING!!!!! ***SHRIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEK***! LET *ME* SHOW YOU!!"
With Coachus Potatamus leading the way, what must have been several hundred demons started flying out of the hide-a-bed and into the TV screen. The legends must have been true then, Coachus Potatamus must have been an armchair-quarterback/couch-potato during his mortal life. When the last of the demons entered the TV screen I was about to shut the TV off, effectively locking them into TV land, when the small translucent demon quickly jumped out of the screen, slapped my hand away from the switch, went back across the room, changed the rating on the board from a 1.4 back to a 9, came back, stopped in front of me, shrugged his shoulders, and went back into the TV. I shut the power off.
And there was much rejoicing. Hugs were exchanged, a shower was taken, and pictures were taken with cats. I could finally shuck Nightshift's identity. (or so I thought) I was getting ready for a nice quiet evening of visitation and socialization with my, now in person, net friends Kristin and Joe (now cured of his demonic possession).
I was about to remove the costume when I heard, "Hey Wilkes," from Kristin's livingroom.
I had thought that everybody else had left that room. I went back to the living room cautiously, I saw a young girl on the couch, turned around and changing the rating on the board from a 9 to a 10. She turned and looked at me. It was a face that I hadn't seen in years, but how could I ever forget....
"ERIS!," I happily screamed. I bounded across the room and jumped on the couch to give her a big hug...only to find that I was joyfully hugging an inflatable sex dummies which had suddenly materialized on the couch in place of Eris.
I heard a giggle off to my left, Eris was sitting cross-legged in the chair next to the couch playing with her hair, "You look awful silly playing with that little fuck toy <another giggle>, but you're good at doing silly things."
"Wow," I exclaimed as I tossed the dummy aside, "I haven't seen you since I was 2 years old."
"Yep," she replied, "and we did this. Remember?" Out of thin air she produced my old, prized Polaroid of her and me at the "Have Your Picture Taken With Eris For $5" booth at the county fair.
"Yeah. How did you do that?"
"I'm a goddess, remember?," she answered as she quickly tore up the photo and made the pieces combust and disappear in flames.
I was hoping that she returned it back to my apartment unharmed somehow. "...um..."
She interrupted, "Because of your tendencies toward the silly and absurd, I need you for yet another mission tonight. The local University has a bit of a problem."
Realization hit me, "Ah, I see. The people there, maybe, have a lack of sense of humor? Maybe there's a lack of _whimsey_? Possibly..."
She interrupted again, "To put it bluntly, there's a few people with major league CORKS up their asses. Could you and your friends go to the campus and put a levity into people's lives, whether they like it or not? Kristin and Joe can probably suggest some pretty good 'victims,' friendly and hostile, for you to work on."
"O.K., I'll ask them. But first, I've got to get out of this costume."
"Actually," Eris suggested, "leave it on."
I stammered a little and was a bit confused, which Eris showed her pleasure at. I continued, "Don't you think that this would initially frighten people while I, through my mirth and merriment, eventually ruin the image, that Nightshift _attempts_ to convey, of a 'dark, mysterious, supernatural, vampiric, brooding loner type who uses his kinship with the shadows to strike fear into the hearts of nightdwellers, evil doers, subhuman monsters and otherworldly denizens through stealth, cunning, flashing blades, unknown rituals, and the occasional bite on the neck'(c)?"
Eris just egged me on a little by shrugging with a smug little grin on her face.
I giggled a little, "O.K. Let's do it. You got a deal." I tried to shake her hand only to find out she had disappeared out of the chair. A Pepsi had also mysteriously appeared in my hand.
"Oh, one more thing." I turned to find her back on the couch. "Just be careful tonight Wilkes, once you start into your merrimaking, some Damned Thing may try to stop you."
"What do mean by that," I asked. Instead of answering my question, she once again disappeared, leaving a golden apple on the couch. I picked it up, held it before me, and gazed at it transfixed wonderment for a few seconds... before it turned into a roll of toilet paper, which I also continued to gaze at.
An amused voice came from the doorway of the livingroom, "Enjoying the view?" It was Kristin, smirking at my sudden admiration for toilet paper. I quickly made up some excuse about how I was a member of some low budget organization called the Shakespearean Restroom Playhouse and that I was just practicing for my part in Hamlet. After that, I told her about the mission Eris gave me. Kristin had plenty of 'victims' in mind. So Joe (still recovering from his demonic possesion, but otherwise O.K.), Louis, Kristin and I (in full Nightshift mode) set out toward the I.U. campus in Kristin's green Ford Escort with a stickshift (a clearly superior car to the Toyota Corolla which, in it's own right, is still a damn fine car).
Our first target, "John Smith", Kristin's boyfriend. Kristin pulled up to the building where she suspected he would be. For my first prank to work I had to operate under complete silence and invisibility. When we entered the Unix/X-Windows lab he was working in I knew I would have no trouble because it was filled with bleary eyed engineering students who probably didn't know how to sleep. They'd never notice me.
We located the terminal Johnwas working on, he wasn't there. I draped my cape over the back of the chair, sat down, started writing a COBOL program and waited.
John finally showed up and approached me _very_ cautiously. I whirled the chair around with a *WHOOSH* of my cape, and faced John. "John Smith?" I asked in the most dreadful sounding voice I could produce.
"Um...yes," he answered with a shudder.
I stood up, acting all grim and spooky. "John Smith. My name is Nightshift. I have a message for you."
John drew back away from me. "N-N-N-Nightshift?" he said with a stammer, "aren't you the one who highjacked that schoolbus in Chicago and canniballized the 34 Kindergartners inside?"
I guessed that the Rumor Mill (tm) had been at work. It was an unfortunate thing that Nightshift was probably going to have to deal with for a while, the misperceptions that people spread through their own prejudice, the notions of supposed evil deeds simply because of his dark image, and sensationalist second and third hand accounts used by the media to get their ratings. But I couldn't think about all that at the moment, I made up an answer to John's question. "Yes, and they were very tasty too," I said while licking my lips, frightening John further.
"But that's not why I'm here," I continued while moving over to block John from the exit, "I understand you are currently 'involved' with Kristin Buxton."
John nodded nervously.
I continued on, "Perhaps you are not aware of the relationship between Ms. Buxton and myself. You see, hundreds of years ago I foresaw her arrival and knew of the importance she would have. Ever since her birth I have worked, without her knowledge of me, as a kind of unseen protector who has been working to fulfill the prophecies regarding her life to that she may take her rightful place as a key figure in the history of humankind. The next prophecy involves you, John Smith."
John looked around the room for help. The other engineering students still didn't notice anything.
I continued with my prank, "This prophecy has stated that Kristin is to marry a man who matches her own genetic superiority. With this man, she is to bear 12 twelve children. No more. No less. These children, in turn, will marry and bear 12 children each of their own. Together, this family will form a super fighting force which will drive back and defeat the invading alien forces in the battle of 2036." I then clasped a hand on the shoulder of John Smith, who was now just blankly staring straight ahead. I finished up my prank, whispering in his ear, "And the prophecy states that you must marry Ms. Buxton by the end of this year." I whooshed out of the room.
I then rejoined my friends outside. Kristin asked me what I had done with John. I just simply said, "You'll find out," with a smirk.
We set out for our next target, Jason Lindquist, I figured that I'd simply castigate him for turning down an offer for membership in the Bela Lugosi Taekwondo Association's Ninja Corps. As we set out across a grassy field I sensed a change in the air, something sinister. As if something had detected our mission and wanted to keep us from our goal.
At the end of the field we came upon an unusual rusty sculpture with all sorts of metal limbs protruding from it. Kristin and Joe paused, staring very uneasily at the sculpture. "Maybe we shouldn't have come this way," Joe said warily regarding the sculpture.
"Why, what's wrong with it," I asked. I approached the sculpture for a closer look.
"NO! GET AWAY FROM IT," Kristin screamed.
I turned to face her, "What are you talking about? It's only a sculp..."
Joe shrieked, "IT'S THE _DAMNED THING_! IT'S ALIVE!"
Behind me I heard creaks, whines, and metal parts rubbing against other metal parts. I whirled around to find the sculpture come to life, it's shapeless metal limbs writhing and whipping to and fro. I drew my sword and lashed out to defend myself as one of the rust covered steel tentacles rushed toward me. The sword did little else than clang off the metal monster. I thought it was going to seize me for sure but all it did was reach in my pocket and steal my cash.
"GET OUT OF THERE," Kristin warned again, "IT THINKS YOU'RE AN ILLINOIS UNIVERSITY STUDENT!"
"Huh?" was my confused response, as the monster reached another steel tentacle into my pocket, extracted my credit cards, charged them to the limit for some demented transaction, and then cut the credit cards up.
Joe, Kristin, and Louis were now absolutely pleading for me to get away from the monster. I turned to run but only tripped myself up in the wet, muddy grass and fell over. The monster reached in my pocket a third time, this time grabbing my driver's license and Social Security card, which it used to start filling out applications, in my name, to the Illinois _and_ Colorado Student Loan Associations.
I tried to attack the monster to make it stop, but it easily swatted me away each time I tried. All I could do was watch as the monster filled out the forms at lightning speed. I would qualify for the loan for sure now. Especially since I had practically no assets, my credit rating was still _presently_ good, and the land I had recently been given (see the Adventures of Lieutenant Wilkes issue #37), in the nation of The Red Elephant Bar & Grill and Wild Game Preserve, was zoned as farmland (see the Colorado Student Loan Act, section 114, paragraph b.). I felt doomed, 40 years of future loan payments started flashing in front of my eyes.
But a thought suddenly occured to me. The land. The same farmland which made me eligible for this loan-from-hell could also be my saviour. I turned to Kristin, "Quick! Give me your cellular phone! I need to make a call to Africa!" She pulled it out of her pocket and gave it to me. As the monster was nearing the end of the application form, I immediately dialed the personal phone number of Adad Mobuto, the president of the nation of the Red Elephant Bar & Grill and Wild Game Preserve.
I was in luck, he answered after the first ring, "This is President Mobuto. How can I help you?"
"Adad, this is Wilkes. I'm facing a very frightening financial situation right now. I need a BIG favor!" I said while watching the monster finishing up the form.
"Of course," Adad said, "my country owes you a debt of gratitude for giving us our freedom. What can I do for you, my friend?"
"Remember that land you rewarded me with," I asked while watching the _Damned Thing_ tear down a nearby phone line, "it's currently zoned as farmland. I need you to immediately rezone it as industrial property, personal property, or something other than farmland, NOW!"
The monster then appeared to be connecting the phoneline to itself in a possible attempt to access various, remote computers to quickly get the loans approved.
Adad was chuckling amusedly on the other end of the line, "Don't tell me, some monster is trying to fill out a loan in your name. Correct?"
"Um...yes," I answered, still nervously watching the monster, "how did...?"
Adad interrupted, "I understand completely. The same thing has happened to me before. Consider your land to be rezoned. I'm entering it in the computer now."
I heard distant keystrokes on the other end of the line. Not more than a second after that bolts of lightening zapped along the telephone line that the _Damned Thing_ was using. The monster was writhing on the end of the phone line at the first signal of the loan's disapproval. The application form burst into flames.
IT WORKED! With the zoning of my land changed, I was suddenly filthy rich and ineligible for any student loan anywhere. The monster disconnected itself from the phone line, but it was still on its heels and trying to get away while Kristin was blinding it with the bright flash from a camera. It was time to end this menace.
The theme music from Voltron suddenly permeated the air as I drew my sword, wielded it in dramatic fashion, and leapt into the air toward the rusty menace, preparing to strike...and then the same music quickly ground to a halt as I intentionally landed, just short of my target, and resheathed my sword. I had a better idea. From the secret pockets in my Kung Fu uniform, I pulled two cans of pink and gray Rustoleum <hint hint> and started spraying every square inch of rust I saw until the monster was completely covered.
The Damned Thing wavered, stumbled, limped, hacked, wheezed. Finally, one by one, its metal tentacles stiffened and came crashing and clanging down to the ground. Victory was ours, and there was much rejoicing. We were free to prank at will.
TO BE CONTINUED
--
\ / Sincerely,
:-P >==8(-: Lieutenant Wilkes
/ \
World Peace Through Oral Sex. Think Globally, Act Locally
[Kristin Buxton] [discordia]